Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Maundy Thursday Reflection



"I never wished anyone bad luck no matter how much they caused me pain. "


Around 1AM, another EX, let's call him GA - short for palangga, started texting me. Telling me how awful his life has been in the past 4 years.


Flashback  4 years ago: he dropped me like a hot potato after almost 6 months of relationship. I was so serious then that we even started living together. I would sleep over their apartment at least 2-3 times a week. And I was not wrong to use "THEIR", he shared it with his sister. Its a first for him to admit he's gay and a first that he allowed a partner slept over their apartment. Cheezy, I know.


The reason then was unclear as he stopped texting me or answering my calls. I even went as far as calling her sister and friend if he's okay as he's not picking up his phone or texting me. I felt the world came tumbling down at that time. I thought I would die.


Forward to 2011: I'm happy now. At least for now. I dont know what will happen next or what life has in store for me, but I can honestly say I am happy now with my current partner of 5 months. :D


GA: I have a song for you - The Past.. hehehe.. ( I think this one was revived by Jed Madela, "I was wrong when I hurt you..")
ME: (Deadma at first, but replied anyway) Musta? San ka sa holy week?
GA: Punta sa floridablanca. Sa haus ng family ng staff ko dati. May ipapakilala daw hehe.
ME: Awts. (An expression I acquired, ewan ko what's the meaning but for me parang aw, in a sweet tone)
GA: Anu yung awts? Wala yun no.
ME: (No Reaction)


After 2 hours.
GA: Miss you to (short for "toto", a name for small boy, used to be my nick). Wala lang, laseng lang..
ME: Baket ka naglalasing eh holy week?


Then he called. I answered. Then he relates how sorry he was with what he did to me and how he wanted my forgiveness. I've  already forgiven him. I have moved on. Things has changed and I decided to just be happy and continue my life without him.


He said he'd gone to Afghanistan and Singapore for work and all this time he has not found a good partner. And how he's been feeling "miserable" not having someone beside him for all his trials.


I dropped the bomb - I told him he was like that coz he rely his happiness on just one person and he gets frustrated when he cant find that person.


He retaliated - Yes, I am bitter coz you are happy! You have a partner, you are happy and you have a good job! (bitter much??!!)


I fought back - Yes, I am happy coz its my choice. You are miserable coz you chose to be miserable. You were never contented in the first place.


Then we started talking about what really happened 4 years ago, the time he left me. He narrates how he wanted to go back to his ex-seminarian. But it didnt work that's why he hooked us up. Yes, he gave my number so we can date. Which we did, but for me, my only reason is to get the closure I really wanted.


I spied. I investigated. And I got what I wanted - a closure. 


I can sense how low he must be feeling right now, and how lucky I am today. I can only feel for him. There was never an anger or cursing at him with what I knew now about what happened to us. But I feel sorry for him. I know I couldn't do anything to lighten up his burden. But this made me reflect my life. How I realized how blessed I am with what I have. Not near any perfection, but enough to give me ample happiness.


It didn't end that bad. :D I know we are friends now. I maybe in a better place as compared to him, but ultimately its MY CHOICE. I would have ended like him 4 years ago, but I  fought hard not to. Life is indeed a choice. 


Until now, I am still fighting my own battles. I win some, I probably lost more. But I'm happy, coz its my choice.


For now I don't believe in Forever anymore, only in prolonged happiness - while it lasts.

No comments:

Post a Comment